On infatuations

I was supposed to write a reply. I thought about it. Tell him about how much I was like him years ago. How I fell in love and was completely blind. How I really believed (so many times!) in soulmates, that I had found the one (too many times). So I know. I know by experience, this is not going to work. I had also made a similar promise years ago, that a certain person was the right person for me, and I would wait, as much as I had to, in the end we would be together. But real life is not like romantic comedies, and I guess that’s exactly why they exist.

I thought about telling him what my mom had told me once, when I was really in love with a certain wrong person for me, “but if he is your soulmate, he would feel the same for you, he would love you too”. I didn’t like it when she said that right to my face then, at my 20-something-years-old. But she was right.

I thought about telling him, once again, after so many times I have repeated it, “it’s a no go”, “it’s not going to happen”, “I don’t like you in that way”.

I thought about detailing all the suffering I had been through and how much time I spent with the ridiculous illusion about a certain “love of my life”. How I cried every single day. How I didn’t want to go to sleep cause I didn’t want to wake up again. How I started eating so much less, and didn’t feel like doing anything. How many stupid things I said and did, how many humiliating and embarassing thoughts I did to myself, how long it took until I finally accepted this “perfect someone” didn’t want anything with me, until I finally realized I was the one being a fool and this whole thing was hurting only me, me alone, to him it was indifferent.

I thought about telling him how I finally understood I had to move on, be happy with myself and just let him be. And after this big crush and big fall, the following rejections weren’t so bad, so sad. Sure, it took some time to get over the other ones, but less time. And I always tried to think what would be the best for the other one, try to be happy with the other person’s happiness. That, now, that was true love. To be able to let go.

I thought about it all. But he wouldn’t listen.

 

* * *

 

So. I have to be patient. And hey, this is my writing space after all, so I wanna let it registered here a feeling. From time to time, I remind myself of those days. Of that moment in those far away lands. It’s not like I have to be there phisically to speak with my spiritual parents, but maybe there I allow myself to more quiet time and reflection (instead of running with responsabilities all the time). And I remember the tears. I didn’t need a formal meditation session. I just prayed that I had some wisdom. I wished we could meet and somehow had the chance to talk about what was in my heart, open up. Cause this has always been an issue to me.

And then it happened. We did meet. By chance. And we had dinner and later on that night, we were able to have a conversation on deeper thoughts. I know that I have had “signs” before. But that… that was like a blessing from my spiritual parents! And that feeling of fulfillment and joy, I shall never forget.

The formal guidance words brought some harsh features to it (not that I wouldn’t face them), but it doesn’t really matter. Those moments we lived together will always be kept as a fond memory in my heart.

 

* * *

They say an infatuation lasts for about 3 years tops. I so wish it was less.

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